People of Iraq, welcome to your civil war! Please be advised that “civil war” is one of those oxymoronic terms like “military intelligence” or “jumbo shrimp” which do not accurately describe the reality of the situation. That is why our staff at Ftm has prepared a quick, easy to follow guide to your Civil War.
A Rose is a Rose
By far the easiest thing to do in a civil war is to name it. All civil war names follow the same formula: The + {Name of Nationality fighting} + Civil War. So you get names like The American Civil War, The Spanish Civil War, The Russian Civil War, etc. etc... Real simple. So dear Iraqis, you are no longer fighting Operation Iraqi Freedom, Gulf War II, World War IV, or The Fourth Zionist/Christian Crusade, you are fighting in THE IRAQI CIVIL WAR. Put that in your Palm Pilots and day planners.
Don’t count the dead when God’s on your side
One thing you may immediately notice about your civil war is that the corpses are piling up at a rather brisk pace. This is due to an unfortunate accounting abnormality: in most wars you count either your dead or the enemy’s dead, whereas in a civil war both tabulations of the dead fall in the same category. Therefore, the number of dead in a civil war tends to be twice as high as the number of dead in a regular war.
Two Sides are better than…
If you can, try to group yourselves into two sides during your civil war, and give each side a catchy name. Here are some examples: The Union vs. Confederacy, The Loyalists vs. Nationalists, The Reds vs. Whites. Right now, The Salafis vs. Mahdi Army vs. US Marines vs. Peshmerga vs. Ba’athists vs. Sunnis vs. Shiites vs. whomever I forgot to mention is just too confusing to ever sort out. Having too many sides to a civil war tends to keep it going—like adding sides to cube, until it becomes a sphere and keeps rolling down the mountain…forgive the metaphor. Plus, when there are only two sides, it is much more possible to strike a deal when the time is right. When there are many smaller parties each one feels like they can run away with the whole pie, and the fighting never ends.
Try not to have many guests over when the house is on fire.
If the sentence above is not an ancient Arab proverb, it should be. When foreigners are involved in your civil war, they upset the natural balance which you, the warring parties strived so hard to develop. In addition, the temptation to ally yourself with a foreign power to gain military advantage may cause greater casualties upon your opposing civil-warriors than you would care (or are able) to inflict. Keep in mind, that at the end of the day (or year, or decade) you will have to forgive and forget your losses for the sake of peace. As the civil war heads toward conclusion, those allied with a foreign power will find themselves branded “puppets” or “collaborators”. This rarely, if ever leads to political success afterwards.
The future’s so bright…
Do not despair dear Iraqis, for a well fought civil war brings many benefits. It can greatly improve the international position of a nation (USSR), iron out intractable political differences (as in our good ol’USA), or usher in a long period of stable, relatively peaceful government (Spain).
3 comments:
Dormant monkey awakens, with crust in his eye and banana peels and lube all over the place.
Fine point about double-the-dead in a civil war; about counting the deceased, you know I always like a Dylan quote.
What you said about a cube becoming a sphere if you add too many sides reminded me of calculus and gave me agita.
Great new proverb about houses on fire. I would add, "Don't invite too many guests over when knocking down walls without checking with the building manager, unless it all works out and leads to a nicer apartment."
Monkey was in a most positive mood today, citing rosey outcomes of previous civvies. Holiday cheer washing away simian cynicism?
As the civil war heads toward conclusion, those allied with a foreign power will find themselves branded “puppets” or “collaborators”.
Unless, of course, you happen to be on the winning side. Like the Colonials vis a vis France in the first American Civil War.
Also, when the establishment wins, it's a "Civil War". When the separatists win, it's a "Revolution".
As the civil war heads toward conclusion, those allied with a foreign power will find themselves branded “puppets” or “collaborators”.
Unless, of course, you happen to be on the winning side. Like the Colonials vis a vis France in the first American Civil War.
Also, when the establishment wins, it's a "Civil War". When the separatists win, it's a "Revolution".
Post a Comment