FTM's house turkey recipe.

For those of you about to embark on this year's gut stretching season--follow the recipe below for the juiciest turkey you will ever eat. The inspiration for this recipe was my friend Ihsan, who years ago decided to throw a turkey party at his apartment on 109th street. He did not adequately account for the time it took to cook, so by the time the bird was ready (at midnight) we were all rolling drunk on the floor. I think the turkey ended up on the floor too. I had such a good time though that I vowed to repeat the exercise when the opportunity arose.

That time came on November 11, 2001. I had my first apartment with an adequate stove, and space to entertain. Ihsan sent me a few photocopies from James Beard's cookbook, and the rest was experimentation. Since then I have cooked one bird a year, a few weeks before Thanksgiving. If you follow this recipe, you will not be disappointed. Make sure to have plenty of wine on hand if you put the bird in late...

THE FECESTHROWINGMONKEY ROAST TURKEY:

1. Buy a fresh turkey. Make sure it is killed, plucked and gutted.
2. The night before roasting, soak the turkey in a bucket of salt water for 24 hours.
3. The Stuffing: crumble 2 loaves of dry Italian bread with 2 ½ sticks of butter in a wok. Add celery, parsley, scallions, carrots, tarragon and thyme. Saute until butter melts and veggies fry up.
4. Stuff the bird and sew it up.
5. Rub the skin with butter and herbs.
6. Heat oven to 325F. Place 3-4 slices of bacon in the roasting pan, place turkey in pan BREAST DOWN. Put a few slices of bacon on top.
7. Roast turkey for a few hours, until it is about 45 minutes from ready. Take it off the pan and flip it so it is breast up (traditional presentation). Finish roasting when temperature in stuffing hits 170F.
8. Take out of oven, cool and eat.